i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
