Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
