Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
