I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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