I wish my penis had an off switch
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
