I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
