Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
