I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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