we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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