I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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