I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I lost the right to judge tonight
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
