I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
