my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
