Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
