I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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