this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
