just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
