What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
