OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
