What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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