well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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