How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
