You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
