Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
