Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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