very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i think i have herpe
just one?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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