my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
