As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Randomize
