After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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