I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
