I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
