What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
