Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
