I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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