woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
