Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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