I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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