i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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