You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
