Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
