Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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