question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
