I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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