in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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