turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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