He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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