I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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