I need to stop coming to work sober
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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