so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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