I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
