new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
