she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
