You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
